Renewed

Now if you read my letters on a regular basis, you will know that last year was by far a year that was one of the hardest years I have had to face in all of my ministry and even my personal life. These letters can be pretty hard to share sometimes but yet I am thankful that I can be vulnerable with you and share my heart so freely. With the difficult scenarios of last year, such as the physical attack by a couple of men, the pure mental and emotional exhaustion, with my mind whirling constantly wondering if God still intended me to remain with StreetLight, I needed God to once again provide the assurance that my calling was to this ministry and that I could make it through the difficult times.

My deepest and most heartfelt prayer for last year was simply. “Lord PLEASE... I just need a miracle to happen, one really good thing. I’m tired. Please Lord, it’s all I ask. I need to know you’re still here with me and you hear me crying.” It seems so silly now when I reflect on how I felt but I truly felt like a walking time bomb that could (and sometimes would) just break down into tears because I was so unhappy and unsettled inside. I remember very vividly thinking to myself how easy it would be to drive off of Deerfoot Trail and into oncoming traffic. It’s a pretty scary thought to realize that that was where I was in life, but it was very real. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place before where I just didn’t “feel” like continuing in life. I was too tired. What was scarier was that I didn’t seem to care. I had suffered from stress hives for just over a year and I guess that should’ve been a pretty clear clue to take time to restore myself and take inventory of my schedule and life. I kept pep telling myself saying, “This year is almost done Maria” in the hopes that time would make things better and that I’d feel strong again. I was desperate for something good to happen. God’s love language to me has always been the miracle factor and you’ve heard me state before that often I feel like a little girl on God’s lap and I feel like He loves me so much and knows me so well, that He wasn’t just willing to give me the little pink bike, but the pink bike with the tassels too! Perhaps it’s a funny remark to you, but in my spiritual and ministry journey, I have thrived on the miracle factor and those “extras” – the extra assurances.

When I was preparing for the StreetLight Christmas party (and if you read the Insight’s article), you will understand why the stress hit hard this past Christmas. I felt like a failure. I felt ashamed and useless. I hid in my office sulking because looking at the needs we had for more backpacks, blankets etc, I felt like perhaps I wasn’t going to have that “something good” I wanted anytime soon. So when the call went out and the numbers of backpacks went from 120-475 in a matter of days and the one bag full of blankets went to 20+bags, I KNEW that it was a God thing for sure! I was in awe. When the winter blizzard hit on the night we were to host our party outside along the Bow River, I felt heartbroken as we loaded up the StreetLight trailer. I began to doubt that the night would be a success and I doubted kids would even show up. The emotions of that day were at their peak. The moment we arrived downtown (after the 2 hour hauling through the snow drifts), and I saw the hundreds of homeless waiting in the freezing cold for a BackPack and a bite to eat – I felt confirmed that I still heard God’s voice and it was His “something good” for me. It was the lift my spirit needed. It was my answer to prayers. Because of that moment, I now remember what it is like to be close to God and have that close and constant communication, to have joy and affirmation deep within. It’s what fuels me for this ministry, for life.

When I even see how you as my friends and sponsors have been so diligent and thoughtful in supporting me and this ministry, it again reminds me that I am being taken care of and I have much to be thankful for. I appreciate your gifts and your generosity in resources and prayers. That miracle factor means the world to me and being dependent upon God to provide my needs, is really the best way to live and something I truly cherish. Thank you for being a part of my journey.

I feel like this year is indeed a fresh year of miracles and affirmations. I trust that God will provide my every need and will use many of you to reach out with me, reach out to those in need. My spirit feels renewed and I possess passion again and I have once again experienced how God the Father does indeed hold me close and renews my strength and encourages my heart. Many of you have reached out in very special ways to me over the course of this last year because you could sense where I was at. Even typing out a thank you, makes my heart feel soft and tears fill my eyes because of the gratitude I feel for you and your thoughtfulness. So please don’t give up on me and please continue those prayers – they are not taken for granted and it is what encourages the very depths of my heart!